Dumb Criminals

Copper Thieves Break Into Compound Full of "Coppers"

smirk — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 03:47:52 -0700

Copper thieves suck. Apparently, they're stupid too. Poor poor IQ challenged Freddie and Jimmy, a couple of would-be jack artists of copper wiring put their two brain cells together and devised a way to break into a 40,000 sq. ft. building where they could haul off a mother lode of copper wiring.

Oh they found copper all right... but copper as in cops or police officers. They also ran into police dogs too. You know that the favorite snack of police dogs are copper thieves don't ya?

AP:Men break into building full of police officers

The Felinious Case of Whodunnit... It was the Cat!

smirk — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 20:53:43 -0700

Police investigate reports of a gunshot fired in an apartment complex in New Hampshire and discover a fatally injured cat with a shotgun wound. The trashed owner of the cat claimed that the cat accidentally shot himself. Upon further questioning, the man admitted that he was messing around with his gun and accidentally shot the poor kitty.

Man Blames Cat After Gun Fires

Man beats peacock he says was vampire

smirk — Sun, 1 Jul 2007 17:45:34 -0700

A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant was attacked by a man who vilified the bird as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.

Beaten so fiercely that most of his tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles, a spokesman for the city's Center for Animal Care and Control.

Man beats peacock he says was vampire (AP)

Shithead comes out of nowhere while some Burger King employees were feeding a peacock that just showed up at the joint and stomps the crap out of the poor peacock. Man, I say use heroic means to save the bird's life and find that bird stomping asshole and euthanize him instead. It should be an easy decision. Save the one with the higher IQ.

Don't Steal Toilet Paper If Your Name is "Butts"

smirk — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 08:23:44 -0700

If your name is a synonym for "ass," they must keep you on a short leash. Suzanne Marie Butts gets a five finger discount on three rolls of TP from a courthouse in Iowa. She's caught. She's arrested. She's booked. She's in jail for three years. One year per roll it seems. One hell of a crappy sentence.

Wait! The stupidity doesn't end there! Keep the idiot parade party rollin! Butts has a sympathizer in Florida who feels sorry for her and wants the good peoples around the USA to send a roll of toiler paper to the Marshall County Courthouse where they're still slappin each other in the ass over solving the mysterious case of disappearing sandpaper from the bathrooms. Butts' number one fan says that she hopes to get one million Americans to send in a roll of the nation's finest. Hey, can someone with a really big calculator calculate the carbon footprint of this stunt for me?

Of course, you gotta wonder what made her want to steal toilet paper from a government building of all places. Did she have a massive paper mache project to finish? She wasn't seriously planning on wiping her ass with courthouse TP, was she? State owned toilet paper... that's like free food at a skanky dive closed down for a Hep C outbreak.

Go ahead, laugh your ass off:
http://www.kcci.com/news/13497897/detail.html

Hey Kids, GET A ROOM... When the Plane Lands

smirk — Fri, 4 May 2007 03:33:57 -0700

This isn't really that funny, but I just wanted to go on record as saying that I hope that he accidentally slams a heavy door on his pecker and the smashed bits of his johnson falls off.

I hate inconsiderate people like this.

Affectionate plane passenger convicted (AP) - AP - A California man who prosecutors said got a little too friendly with his girlfriend during a flight was convicted Thursday of interfering with flight attendants and crew members.

The Love Struck Auto Thief in SoCal

smirk — Fri, 4 May 2007 03:21:53 -0700

You know when you're just in love big time and you just can't wait to see the object of your affection and you got no wheels? I mean, you really CAN'T WAIT like when you can't find a bathroom and you just drank 8 cups of coffee?

Well, try stealing a car and drive on over. Then do it again and again and again like this Southern California man who "borrowed" someone else's ride 26 times to see his girl.

The kicker is that she had dumped him and didn't want to see him. Now he'll have to break out of jail if he's going to see her anytime soon. Maybe he should have tried sending her an IM instead.

Man steals 26 cars to see girlfriend

Firefighter Learns it Takes More Than a Cheap Wig and a String Bikini to be a Woman

smirk — Thu, 5 Apr 2007 20:33:47 -0700

Firefighter charged with racy park romp (AP)
AP - A man wearing a woman's wig and a string bikini was charged with taking a drunken afternoon romp through a park, officials said. Read Article

Color this guy schooled. So he's frolicking around a park while drunk off his ass in a string bikini. He's on his way to compete for a $10,000 purse at a gay bar for best impersonation of a woman. Dude! What's wrong with you? You don't even find women that hairy in Eastern Europe! If you wanna be a chick, you gotta learn how to shave better. You're never gonna win a drag contest that way! If they know for sure that you're a dude when they haul your insufficiently androdgenous ass downtown, it's time to enroll in drag queen school.

Man impersonates brother to avoid DWI

smirk — Thu, 5 Apr 2007 20:18:38 -0700

Man impersonates brother to avoid DWI (AP)
A ruse worked for a De Queen man who used his brother's name after being picked up for another drunken-driving charge until he called his brother and asked him to bail him out of jail. Read Article

Let this be a lesson to all of you who have siblings. The pass the blame on your sibling trick may not have worked so well on mom, but it does work on the police. This smooth talkin boozer managed to convince the cops who pulled him over that he was actually his brother so he could avoid a second DWI charge on top of the one he already had. Fast thinking for a drunk... too bad he called his bro to come bail him out of jail.

Ala. woman on horseback charged with DUI

smirk — Wed, 4 Apr 2007 19:47:00 -0700

Ala. woman on horseback charged with DUI
AP - A woman used a horse to ram a police car during a midnight ride through town and was charged with driving under the influence, police said. DUI charges can apply even if the vehicle has four legs instead of wheels, Chief Brad Gregg said Tuesday. Read Article

Tough luck lady. Next time try driving a Zamboni when you're all drunk and tweaked out on speed.

If You're Gonna Drink and Drive Then Drive a ZAMBONI!

smirk — Tue, 3 Apr 2007 12:27:13 -0700

N.J. Judge: No Such Thing As Zamboni DWI
A judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren't motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways and can't carry passengers.

Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards. Read Article

Don't get any smart ideas now you tipsy fog headded fools. Don't even think about testing this law for lawn mowers. Ain't gonna work people.